Apprehensive May 15, 2008

Having this blog scares me.

 

For over five years, I’ve kept a private blog accessible only by people I know. I knew everyone that read my thoughts, viewed my photos, and witnessed my highs and lows. It was my security blanket - safe and secure. A place where I received immense support, fostered good conversations, and met genuinely wonderful people I now call friends.

 

But this place is something new. Bare and open, there is nowhere to hide. What is written here can be read by anyone, seen by everyone. If you know me, you may also know that I’m quite private. Not private in a way that no one knows anything. But private in a way that you don’t really know what makes me tick. It’s not that I try to be mysterious. I just hold my cards very close to my chest. Only a few people know what actually goes on with me. Again, it makes me feel safe.

 

Am I paranoid much? Yes.

 

I’m trying to change that. You see, I’ve always had a slightly paranoid personality. Maybe it’s because I’ve moved around so much. New homes, new schools, new people, new rules. Never really knowing what I’m walking into. My paranoia is the result of acclimation, self preservation, survival, and not putting roots down.

 

But at this point in my life, I realized that I have put roots down. Amazing friends, unwavering family, and the best partner I could ever hope for. My life is rooted in good things. I don’t have to be paranoid about that part of my life. Life will always throw me some curve balls, crack my cheesecake, or deflate my souffle, but I can’t keep on being scared of it.

 

Knowing that and owning that knowledge, I can share my life with less fear. I’m going to throw the curtains open and let some sunshine in. If you are so inclined, take a closer look.